"And it’s my life. And though I can’t be sure what I want any more. It will come to me later..

Well it’s my life.... and it’s my life. And though I can’t be sure if I want any more. It will come to me later... ah, yeah"

The Sundays - Can't be Sure

Pebbles on a beach......look the same, all different

I am feeling like a pebble on the beach, I know that I belong and am here amongst others, yet today I feel that terrible lonliness which I can't decide whether is a need for solitude, grief for who I have lost or grief for what I can't let in, or isn't available to be close to. mmmmm.. I dont seem to have written for a while and I guess, perhaps that grief in this form had left me alone for a while. I have just moved house and it seems to have taken me into another stage of it all, acceptance maybe, relisation of my reality. There is relief and liberation in that, so much so that when my bags were packed and the "homes" were empty at both ends, I wanted to take to the road. Begin again, but somwhere completely different, because something in myself has changed, I felt like travelling, not resting, not staying in one place, a movement within oneself that when connected to loss of people is not easy to stay with, follow or even express. Tangible goals, hurts on a physical level, you can measure, see improvement. Emotional journeys are that much elusive.

Pebbles on a beach, oh how I wish I recognised more, I seem to be forever changing, adjusting and its hard enough to keep touch with myself, the relationship with me, let alone others get to know me. It all makes sense, if one is changing, perhaps lonliness is necessary. Really missing that feeling of someone just knowing me, of me knowing them, the quiet and effortless being that is such a gift - perhaps it is time to sit in these spaces with others again, the being spaces where there is nothing else to be done. Get the shiatsu mat out and the let the silence open up the expansive feeling that connects you to everything.

Emergence

Here comes a "fluffy" post, one that come from something I found that connects me back to a special time in my life around 5 years ago when I was discovering a relationship to myself as a women that was entirely new and that I am being reminded that I have not fully embraced, I have shunned this part of myself....again.

A combination of co-incidences a post on a friends blog asking if women were ready to step into the light, that was the question that I took from it, then I found a letter to a teacher of mine, written around 1994. We had been asked to find a goddess or a symbolic person who might represent the qualities in ourselves we wished to bring forth. I chose the Norse Goddess Freya - Goddess of the North:

[She is Goddess of Love, of prophesy, and of magic while at the same time, a Warrior Goddess ruling over the Valkyries and claiming her portion of the battle-slain, These are the aspects of the Great Mother Goddess, the ruler of Life and Death. Without death, there is no life.

So, on one hand, she rules over sensual love, marriage , fertility and childbirth (she is above all a Goddess of Women), On the other hand she is the Goddess of War and of Death. As she weaves the sky she also weaves the fates, the future, although she can change nothing. A Goddess who keeps us in touch with our intuitive nature and helps us make transitions and new beginnings, keeping our lives in touch with our spiritual selves. A strong symbol of a womens empowerment over her own body and mind as well as of the creative energy in us all.]

My response to identifying Freya as significant to me was this:

There is much fire within me right now and slowly I am learning to support it with logic and earthly stability. I can feel it begin to find direction and a channel for realisation beyond my inner world. I am beginning to recognise and appreciate my sensitivities as well as embracing my power. From this I have clearer understanding of my needs for a lifestyle that reflects my true nature and that of the world around me. Relating to my potential, a little afraid of what this might look like, un-known and un- chartered waters.

This blog started off as a place to get onto paper many of the themes and conversations I have had with myself over the years and many of them continue to have resonance. This particular storyline continues and i feel I am still distracted from embracing this fundamental part of myself. Like the article that partly prompted this writing, I seem to NOT be ready to step into the light as a whole self, which is the only real way that I would truely be visible to myself as well as to others, I have had many roles and realise I have been in the light many times, but not in the way I describe, as my true self. I still aspire and dig deep for the skills, courage and guidance to do this.

The Future

According to Oscar Wilde, "Youth is wasted on the young". Mid-life can provide tremendous opportunities for personal growth and positive change. Many people acquire a wisdom, maturity and self-confidence they lacked earlier.

I read all this the other week and it sums up my current quest as I negotiate a couple of major transitions, age and losing my last parent and a general sense of my landscape changing and deciphering what in me has also changed, what is emerging from my self and what I can let go of. It's all been a bit of a muddle and confusing time, leaving me with the need to just sit and be with the changing thoughts and feelings and "plod" through the daily routines.

Now I feel a new kind of loss, the loss of my energy, verve and desire to connect socially, create and generally express myself in a more alive, natural and free way. I have felt guarded, protecting myself, healing and nurturing and now I open my eyes and look above the parapit and low and behold, a lot more has moved on, whilst I was moving through all of this! Damn, yet more disorientation.....reminds me a bit of starting University, entering a new world, intact, only yourself, a quick succession of decisions to make, this house to rent, these housemates, which spot in the canteen, which events to go to, who to make friends with, what to do with your grant money??? A time of new beginnings, a time of launching, testing out, becoming yourself. These are heartening memories for me to draw on, if I had not had these experiences and similar ones, i wonder if I would muster the courage to spread my wings into life once more, as there is a temptation and its not too hard, to remain coseted and "safe" when you feel the urge to step out but are too nervous.

At least at university there was no going back, it was easier somehow, there were lots of people doing the same, you could ride on the successes and benefits you saw others receive from "finding their way". After bereavement, in mid-life, there is nothing so tangible, not a clear step to take, a series of steps out and standing still, but noticing the urge is a good start and I hope I will find open doors to try out and equally create some of my own to give a go!