I am feeling like a pebble on the beach, I know that I belong and am here amongst others, yet today I feel that terrible lonliness which I can't decide whether is a need for solitude, grief for who I have lost or grief for what I can't let in, or isn't available to be close to. mmmmm.. I dont seem to have written for a while and I guess, perhaps that grief in this form had left me alone for a while. I have just moved house and it seems to have taken me into another stage of it all, acceptance maybe, relisation of my reality. There is relief and liberation in that, so much so that when my bags were packed and the "homes" were empty at both ends, I wanted to take to the road. Begin again, but somwhere completely different, because something in myself has changed, I felt like travelling, not resting, not staying in one place, a movement within oneself that when connected to loss of people is not easy to stay with, follow or even express. Tangible goals, hurts on a physical level, you can measure, see improvement. Emotional journeys are that much elusive.
Pebbles on a beach, oh how I wish I recognised more, I seem to be forever changing, adjusting and its hard enough to keep touch with myself, the relationship with me, let alone others get to know me. It all makes sense, if one is changing, perhaps lonliness is necessary. Really missing that feeling of someone just knowing me, of me knowing them, the quiet and effortless being that is such a gift - perhaps it is time to sit in these spaces with others again, the being spaces where there is nothing else to be done. Get the shiatsu mat out and the let the silence open up the expansive feeling that connects you to everything.
