Still Life....

Tonight I heard live music and it wasnt just that it was not recorded that made it live, it was the musicians that brought it to life. The things that engage me, always have life in them somehow and it is something I am becoming increasingly aware of and excited that I have recognised. It makes sense I guess, I have always been a visual person, but an intellectual too in some respects, but the senses seem to engage me more and more as I get older, the intellect is tiring me! When I see, hear or touch things that have life in them, that capture something of life, I feel engaged, connected and happy. Perhaps it is also living through quite a bit of extreme or unusual experiences, some exciting, some challenging but all of them brought me to life in some way, pricked at my sense of mere existense. Perhaps now, that these times have past I seek a more refined reminder of the beauty, wonder and unusual that is around us. There was a compulsory book to read at Art College, one for all the students, whatever their discipline, "Ways of Seeing" by John Berger, I can hardly remember the contents, but the title seemed a very sensible mantra for me to hold onto and I still reference it when I feel the need for "permission" to view things differently, look from a sideways angle or perhaps find myself attending music concerts where the people are "not like me" in age, lifestyle or background, yet still I allow myself to be there, to experience and to be open to whatever the experience brings.

This photograph brings to life a certain aspect of Brighton for me, a mood, a surreal quality and also the elemental aspect of the sea and the clouds. But it is almost a romantic view and not one I have actually seen that often and the photographer has "seen" it for me or at least they saw something worth seeing and here it is for me to see in my own way. Photography, music and even people can have the ability to express, communicate and capture in time unique things and I live for that. I also aspire to dare to do more of that myself, to find forms from which these moments of "real life" can emerge. I sound like I am back at Art school where I thought lots of the views and words were just pure arty farty nonsense, but like most things we come to them when we are ready and have to have had a direct need, experience or understanding for ourselves to make use of them, at least that is my experience. What was that quote about "Tell me and I will forget, Show me and I may remember, involve me and I will understand" - so perhaps it has taken me 16 years to fully get involved in the role of art and creativity in my life - phew! least my education has not been wasted!

Winter Wonder

Christmas time this year.............space..........feeling fortunate that I have space and time for myself. Mixed with thoughts of times gone by where I filled the gaps and spaces and joined and adapted to others storylines and often didn't quite make them mine. The time where I was lost for words or actions that were mine, only the thoughts continued, at odds with the rest of me, an oo there and an ahh "do you remember" there and the whole thing was of a time past, not the present, or the future, just an awkward "catch up" in a strange house, in a strange place, with nothing to resonate with in the now. Now there is a space, a welcome space and one that I like to think that others find this time of year. Bypassing the fuss and nonsense of whats meant to be and taking the mid-winter turning as a time to rest, restore and dig deep into the well of energy that is deep within, just waiting for the Spring light, the sun coming back high in the sky and the opportunity and possibility of more action than is usual in the winter. Speaking to my sister in Australia where it is Summer, the notion of the energy and activity being different is very strange. High in spirits and sharing mince pies in the sunshine, visiting the beach and praying for less heat so that the Christmas tree does not wilt! If I didn't have the desire to lounge and indulge in the space that is "no fixed timetable" for 2 weeks, i quite fancy a Christmas in a foreign land, using the time for a new environment, change of scene and seeing other people, colours and streets. Another friend is off to climb Mount Kilamanjaro on Sunday, a ten day climb and every year departs English climes for foreign ones, enjoying a day with extended family, a break and full stop to the years work and then off to somewhere else between the Christmas time and NEw Year. Seems a good way to mark the change from one year to the next. My space is being occupied by new and interesting thoughts and ideas about what I might fancy exploring, new ways, things, places and people, following my instincts more than is usual, but with memories of how present and easy life felt when i did it more often. So, it is Christmas time again and this year feels like a new kind or the end of a kind, but somehow something shiny and new feels like it is with me. May the light continue to grow each day and bright wintery skies remain.

What Matters

After I wrote about loss, change and new beginnings today, the word matter seemed to be important, so I looked up its definition of meaning on wikipedia and it was interesting: in scientific terminology it means: In common usage, matter is anything that has both mass and volume (takes up space).

In philosophy terms it is said: Matter is the substrate from which physical existence is derived, remaining more-or-less constant amid changes. The word, matter is derived from the Latin word, māteria, meaning wood. Māteria, itself, traces back to the word, māter, meaning mother. Thus considered, matter is the mother substance.

The writing for today was concerned somehow with matter, what matters to me today, what mattered before and the very nature of matter: what is here, physically and in front of me and somehow coming to terms with it all and being present to NOW and able to make decisions and choices from a congruent place. It all fell into place with the writing, but now it seems not so clear :-) I was reflecting on the change in my circumstances, my mother dying and the shift I felt that day and my hopes for the immediate future:

"My past will be contained to a box of letters, photos, my mum's things and I may feel sadness everytime I touch it but I will have boxed the experience and dealt with the pain and maybe the memories will come and maybe they won't. Maybe there will be a photo on the wall, maybe there won't. It's a very hard notion but I am beginning to realise that loss and grief that was not chosen is so hard because the task is almost to realise that what once mattered cannot matter at all - nothing matters, the yearning, the hope and memories are real but the experience in real life isn't and the longer you live in this, the more likely the present won't matter at all! Living in the past is like living in thin air and only re-visiting with vivid images and feelings linked together can bring it too life for a moment and then you return to the present. My present is still muddled with what is not present now, but slowly the fog is clearing and I am beginning to distinguish with more clarity one from the other, me from me back then.

Matter? physical, touchable - how many of us make NOW matter? and how many cant becasue whats behind or in front mattered SO much more? Maybe it did, and maybe it will, but the only way to make it real and have it, is to make it matter NOW with whatever you have, bring things from the past that matter into the present or draw near things from the future, and create what matters in the here and now or let it go. When someone dies it is hard to know what matters anymore about them and hard to realise in some ways they cant matter, for me, simply because they are not physically here in space and time. It is hard to let go, it is hard to know and realise that what once matters, maybe doesn't matter so much anymore - that things that are real and here now are the only matter there is, yet somehow things infront and behind that cannot be seen do matter....."

So, it seems to me these musings on "matter" the feeling that my mum cant matter anymore, that I am somehow ready to box the past, that i dont want it to matter, that I want more real and present things to matter are a good sign that I am placing re-arranging the landscape of what matters to me right here and now. Un-expected changes to the configuration of what matters to us are always harder than the ones we consciously change, but there is no less work involved in coming to terms with it and what matters might be a good question to start with if you are feeling that things are all out of place....good luck pondering..x