In common usage, matter is anything that has both mass and volume (takes up space).In philosophy terms it is said: Matter is the substrate from which physical existence is derived, remaining more-or-less constant amid changes. The word, matter is derived from the Latin word, māteria, meaning wood. Māteria, itself, traces back to the word, māter, meaning mother. Thus considered, matter is the mother substance.
The writing for today was concerned somehow with matter, what matters to me today, what mattered before and the very nature of matter: what is here, physically and in front of me and somehow coming to terms with it all and being present to NOW and able to make decisions and choices from a congruent place. It all fell into place with the writing, but now it seems not so clear :-) I was reflecting on the change in my circumstances, my mother dying and the shift I felt that day and my hopes for the immediate future:
"My past will be contained to a box of letters, photos, my mum's things and I may feel sadness everytime I touch it but I will have boxed the experience and dealt with the pain and maybe the memories will come and maybe they won't. Maybe there will be a photo on the wall, maybe there won't. It's a very hard notion but I am beginning to realise that loss and grief that was not chosen is so hard because the task is almost to realise that what once mattered cannot matter at all - nothing matters, the yearning, the hope and memories are real but the experience in real life isn't and the longer you live in this, the more likely the present won't matter at all! Living in the past is like living in thin air and only re-visiting with vivid images and feelings linked together can bring it too life for a moment and then you return to the present. My present is still muddled with what is not present now, but slowly the fog is clearing and I am beginning to distinguish with more clarity one from the other, me from me back then.
Matter? physical, touchable - how many of us make NOW matter? and how many cant becasue whats behind or in front mattered SO much more? Maybe it did, and maybe it will, but the only way to make it real and have it, is to make it matter NOW with whatever you have, bring things from the past that matter into the present or draw near things from the future, and create what matters in the here and now or let it go. When someone dies it is hard to know what matters anymore about them and hard to realise in some ways they cant matter, for me, simply because they are not physically here in space and time. It is hard to let go, it is hard to know and realise that what once matters, maybe doesn't matter so much anymore - that things that are real and here now are the only matter there is, yet somehow things infront and behind that cannot be seen do matter....."
So, it seems to me these musings on "matter" the feeling that my mum cant matter anymore, that I am somehow ready to box the past, that i dont want it to matter, that I want more real and present things to matter are a good sign that I am placing re-arranging the landscape of what matters to me right here and now. Un-expected changes to the configuration of what matters to us are always harder than the ones we consciously change, but there is no less work involved in coming to terms with it and what matters might be a good question to start with if you are feeling that things are all out of place....good luck pondering..x
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