Here we go again....

Today is the kind of day I haven't had for a long time, the need to go deep within and find out what I need and feel. A day where I feel nothing is right, insecure and lacking in a sense of personal power. Behold the search ended in more grief. Tears shed not for the now, but for how someone, the past, the losses can inform my now but in a distorted way. So the true me, the true me has often only ever materialised as I express this grief, but also the joy and liberation that follow after I have. The everyday me has been a supressed version and for years I felt split, hidden, now I am more versed and skilled in expressing the emotions when they need to be expressed - my goal is for full integration, more of the joy expressed and the grief and sadness diminishing. It has always been the same, the pain and difficult feelings give way to freedom, joy and relaxation, security. Why is that? The effort of hiding the pain, keeping it stashed away is so exhausting and as I am trying (with not much success) to explain, can end up informing who you are and what your moves in life should be, according to these feelings that get handled by your head and before you know it you are bringing these feelings into the present, the inappropriate present. The feeling for me, belong to events in the past, the feelings make sense there, not so scary and certainly with no need to adjust anything in "real" life as it were. The trick I have to learn is to identify the feelings that are catching up and the feelings that are now and need acting on. Is this madness??? ha ha no, I think I know what I mean. Today I have been fearful, sensing powerless, the wrong path.....then.....I cried for the experience of losing my dad and all that followed after that, more loss, more misguided paths. Ten years ago I stopped, began this process I am trying (badly) to desribe, to get me in the present, MY LIFE, along with feeling the feelings and thoughts I had filled up with, letting them go and finding me in one piece. The annoying thing is......my true self contains these experiences, I cannot fix them, put them away, they ARE me, the happiness and freedom for me comes when the experiences dont overwhelm me, I dont deny them, but I dont live by them anymore, I think......my path is to express joy, but it will only come when I liberate myself from the hard things, the sad things, embrace them and then and only then will I feel secure in the here and now, in my own life. No more running, no more hiding, no more attempts to fix, just being, me, with the battle scars, the fears, the hopes, the escapes, all slowed down, integrated and somehow guiding me to express myself in the world in a balanced, harmonious way, feeling safe, alive and happy to allow the unknowns, to know, to strive and to let go and be wise enough to know what is right for me at every step of the way.