Still Life....

Tonight I heard live music and it wasnt just that it was not recorded that made it live, it was the musicians that brought it to life. The things that engage me, always have life in them somehow and it is something I am becoming increasingly aware of and excited that I have recognised. It makes sense I guess, I have always been a visual person, but an intellectual too in some respects, but the senses seem to engage me more and more as I get older, the intellect is tiring me! When I see, hear or touch things that have life in them, that capture something of life, I feel engaged, connected and happy. Perhaps it is also living through quite a bit of extreme or unusual experiences, some exciting, some challenging but all of them brought me to life in some way, pricked at my sense of mere existense. Perhaps now, that these times have past I seek a more refined reminder of the beauty, wonder and unusual that is around us. There was a compulsory book to read at Art College, one for all the students, whatever their discipline, "Ways of Seeing" by John Berger, I can hardly remember the contents, but the title seemed a very sensible mantra for me to hold onto and I still reference it when I feel the need for "permission" to view things differently, look from a sideways angle or perhaps find myself attending music concerts where the people are "not like me" in age, lifestyle or background, yet still I allow myself to be there, to experience and to be open to whatever the experience brings.

This photograph brings to life a certain aspect of Brighton for me, a mood, a surreal quality and also the elemental aspect of the sea and the clouds. But it is almost a romantic view and not one I have actually seen that often and the photographer has "seen" it for me or at least they saw something worth seeing and here it is for me to see in my own way. Photography, music and even people can have the ability to express, communicate and capture in time unique things and I live for that. I also aspire to dare to do more of that myself, to find forms from which these moments of "real life" can emerge. I sound like I am back at Art school where I thought lots of the views and words were just pure arty farty nonsense, but like most things we come to them when we are ready and have to have had a direct need, experience or understanding for ourselves to make use of them, at least that is my experience. What was that quote about "Tell me and I will forget, Show me and I may remember, involve me and I will understand" - so perhaps it has taken me 16 years to fully get involved in the role of art and creativity in my life - phew! least my education has not been wasted!

Winter Wonder

Christmas time this year.............space..........feeling fortunate that I have space and time for myself. Mixed with thoughts of times gone by where I filled the gaps and spaces and joined and adapted to others storylines and often didn't quite make them mine. The time where I was lost for words or actions that were mine, only the thoughts continued, at odds with the rest of me, an oo there and an ahh "do you remember" there and the whole thing was of a time past, not the present, or the future, just an awkward "catch up" in a strange house, in a strange place, with nothing to resonate with in the now. Now there is a space, a welcome space and one that I like to think that others find this time of year. Bypassing the fuss and nonsense of whats meant to be and taking the mid-winter turning as a time to rest, restore and dig deep into the well of energy that is deep within, just waiting for the Spring light, the sun coming back high in the sky and the opportunity and possibility of more action than is usual in the winter. Speaking to my sister in Australia where it is Summer, the notion of the energy and activity being different is very strange. High in spirits and sharing mince pies in the sunshine, visiting the beach and praying for less heat so that the Christmas tree does not wilt! If I didn't have the desire to lounge and indulge in the space that is "no fixed timetable" for 2 weeks, i quite fancy a Christmas in a foreign land, using the time for a new environment, change of scene and seeing other people, colours and streets. Another friend is off to climb Mount Kilamanjaro on Sunday, a ten day climb and every year departs English climes for foreign ones, enjoying a day with extended family, a break and full stop to the years work and then off to somewhere else between the Christmas time and NEw Year. Seems a good way to mark the change from one year to the next. My space is being occupied by new and interesting thoughts and ideas about what I might fancy exploring, new ways, things, places and people, following my instincts more than is usual, but with memories of how present and easy life felt when i did it more often. So, it is Christmas time again and this year feels like a new kind or the end of a kind, but somehow something shiny and new feels like it is with me. May the light continue to grow each day and bright wintery skies remain.

What Matters

After I wrote about loss, change and new beginnings today, the word matter seemed to be important, so I looked up its definition of meaning on wikipedia and it was interesting: in scientific terminology it means: In common usage, matter is anything that has both mass and volume (takes up space).

In philosophy terms it is said: Matter is the substrate from which physical existence is derived, remaining more-or-less constant amid changes. The word, matter is derived from the Latin word, māteria, meaning wood. Māteria, itself, traces back to the word, māter, meaning mother. Thus considered, matter is the mother substance.

The writing for today was concerned somehow with matter, what matters to me today, what mattered before and the very nature of matter: what is here, physically and in front of me and somehow coming to terms with it all and being present to NOW and able to make decisions and choices from a congruent place. It all fell into place with the writing, but now it seems not so clear :-) I was reflecting on the change in my circumstances, my mother dying and the shift I felt that day and my hopes for the immediate future:

"My past will be contained to a box of letters, photos, my mum's things and I may feel sadness everytime I touch it but I will have boxed the experience and dealt with the pain and maybe the memories will come and maybe they won't. Maybe there will be a photo on the wall, maybe there won't. It's a very hard notion but I am beginning to realise that loss and grief that was not chosen is so hard because the task is almost to realise that what once mattered cannot matter at all - nothing matters, the yearning, the hope and memories are real but the experience in real life isn't and the longer you live in this, the more likely the present won't matter at all! Living in the past is like living in thin air and only re-visiting with vivid images and feelings linked together can bring it too life for a moment and then you return to the present. My present is still muddled with what is not present now, but slowly the fog is clearing and I am beginning to distinguish with more clarity one from the other, me from me back then.

Matter? physical, touchable - how many of us make NOW matter? and how many cant becasue whats behind or in front mattered SO much more? Maybe it did, and maybe it will, but the only way to make it real and have it, is to make it matter NOW with whatever you have, bring things from the past that matter into the present or draw near things from the future, and create what matters in the here and now or let it go. When someone dies it is hard to know what matters anymore about them and hard to realise in some ways they cant matter, for me, simply because they are not physically here in space and time. It is hard to let go, it is hard to know and realise that what once matters, maybe doesn't matter so much anymore - that things that are real and here now are the only matter there is, yet somehow things infront and behind that cannot be seen do matter....."

So, it seems to me these musings on "matter" the feeling that my mum cant matter anymore, that I am somehow ready to box the past, that i dont want it to matter, that I want more real and present things to matter are a good sign that I am placing re-arranging the landscape of what matters to me right here and now. Un-expected changes to the configuration of what matters to us are always harder than the ones we consciously change, but there is no less work involved in coming to terms with it and what matters might be a good question to start with if you are feeling that things are all out of place....good luck pondering..x

Tribes

I have long been interested in my sense of belonging and the confusion it has brought me, both within my original family and within the hundreds of groups I have met, worked with, lived with and associated with. Coming in and out of a sense of belonging in each one, each one creating a thread of connection, yet, never seeming to bring them all together to feel I have found my place. Like this photograph, the houses in a circle, connected yet separate, similar, yet completely diffferent, part of a whole in some way. Would the question be, how does my own sense of "wholeness" come to being? Is that when I feel I belong? Probably, I can do this quite easily with thought, feeling, a oneness type vibe......yet I have had a dry spell of seeing that reflected in my every day life, the connections between people and activities I do are more disparate than ever. There isn't a strong thread to it all, perhaps a "new flavour" of what I seek to join in the outside world has taken some time to emerge. I have been separated from my family for some time, lost both my parents and perhaps the time has been about relinquishing that thread in real time and laying it to rest as part of the tapestry of threads I have already woven ( I realise I am speaking somewhat in riddle and metaphor, but its easier somehow!) So the new thread - the new connections - the new tribe - the new belonging???? I feel that as my 40's approach this will be the time in life that new connections and beginnings will have a flavour of perhaps previous ones, that I will be doing a bit of alchemy and mixing them up together and creating new and more vital connections to the things that bring me alive and give me a sense of place in the world. Beyond my original family, where there is an unconditional bond, beyond the values and norms of my immediate community, something more refined and specific to me. That would be great! Creative and energetic people, groups of like minded individuals and perhaps more of a sense of gathering things to me and less of my seeking it out. Natural attraction and creation - I am hoping that life will flow and with it, the sense of tribe and connections around me will grow.

Learning

I have recently realised that my work and interest in life is with learning and transition; ultimately with change. Change is inevitable, perhaps it can be seen as the flow of life, the movement and it can be a noun or a verb and I work with people who are interested in the action word, not to sit and wait for change to happen to them. Focussing on the desire to be aware of the need for change, embrace un-expected change and plan for change. Living in the moment with the ability to accept, adapt and remain integral and true to a chosen path in business, creative pursuit, education, relationships or life; is a skill and discipline I feel is well worth learning.

The factors and circumstances that operate around us and within us are not always under our control but our response, thoughts and feelings and how we relate to these can to some extent be pivotal as to how at ease we feel in the world.

Social entrepreuners, creatives and others that have core values at the heart of their lives and work; to me, offer the basic foundation for working in this way. Using reflective enquiry and a creative thought process to move through change, be active, alive and ultimately make a difference with the things that we choose to do. So as someone once said, I forget who, the only real control we have in life is the choices we make and being courageous, true and daring with these from a place of true integrity will surely make a difference to the quality of our living?

Porcelain has a memory.....

Porcelain has a memory and cannot be reshaped ... you shape it and then you change it. After firing it returns to how it was initially. So you have just one chance to make it......I think this is amazing and adds interest to me to a material that has such delicate and ethereal qualities but which is strong and durable and obviously quiet clever, it likes to keep it's strength and not be weakened by being messed about, once it's mind is made up, it's thrown, it holds tight...incredible...

These wall lights are by Victoria Hutchinson, see more of
her work at: http://www.victoriahutchinsonceramics.com

Writing as a voice?

I had a lengthy chat with the facilitator of a creative writing group last night, we met accidentally over a plate of pineapple and cheese at a party (yes, the retro theme was in full flow, there were also a hundred types of quiche, but the odd olive and pine nut salad made an appearance to bring us up to date)

Anyway, after the chat I realised she had somehow managed to get me to reveal most of my writing habits, get me to reflect on the notion that I have always in fact written and that it has always been my way of voiceing my thoughts and observations and not declare them to anyone. She spoke of the personality of a writer being the observer and somewhat detached from things, this was a rather uncomfortable notion but one that i identified with all the same.

Recently this "private" voice has been getting quite bored with itself and not having an outlet for the "observational" quality of my existence has been frustrating. Does this mean I am a frustrated writer? That perhaps this is the turning point to wanting to find new ways of expressing my view of life and what goes on in it? I expect so, I suspected so and this conversation has almost brought the reality and urgency to come out of my detachment just a bit more and make some connections, afterall she seemed to enjoy my observations on life and we connected.

Later I will write more about creativity and how i think, in general, aritsts, creatives and writers perhaps all have a way of seeing that looks between the cracks, underneath, sideways and from above at the things in life other folk dont feel pressed to express but will recognise as soon as someone reveals it to them in a form that is "acceptable"! Why else would people roar with laughter at "the office" sketch but never really enjoy the real life moments that they encounter every day - have we somehow dulled our senses!

Natural beauty....and it's free

I have never been one to get that much satisfaction from material gifts, the hype of "special" occassions or the planning to make things just "perfect". The un-expected, the chance timing and the surprise encounter has always held more magic for me and most people I guess. I realise that just as a child would, I still almost seek it, whereas others perhaps after childhood innocence fades begin to think that wonder and awe are reserved for only these early years, fantasy books and movies. How can this be? The Aurora Borealis just appears. These northern lights have no curtains up schedule, no pre-ordained time to appear, they just happen and one day I might be lucky to see them.

Work follows me to dinner.....

Sitting having a quiet pizza with a friend familiar voices, nuances and gestures around me begin to filter into my awareness. Teenagers!! The place was filled with them and this was my half-term break away from working at college in "their" world.

It made me realise how far I have come....age....maturity......from being "like that", well maybe..... one particular young person, sitting behind me. I couldn't see him and didnt turn around, but I just knew what he was going to look like, what genre he would fit and even had the audacity to summise what his fate in the next few years would be.

Was it the reminder of me or boys i had met or the ones I notice at college. He was talking and talking, an almost professor like confidence, HIS thoughts, philosophies, he had no doubts, not a shadow of them. How he would write that song, create the movie, how cool it would be and of course very important; spot on in terms of educating us all on the clever and un-known information and ideas, only HE (and of course his chosen peers) could have and share with us all.

I was caught in two trains of thought; thinking from a "mature" perspective on how inflated, naieve and vaguely irritating his confidence was, knowing of course from this higher perspective that beneath it all he was deeply inscure! Or the other thought, that perhaps it was my perspective that was a version of his - thinking I knew better about his "youth", his ways, how he would end up disillussioned but not really believing myself either. I was in the end, almost envious of his conviction. It left me with the insight that perhaps I have been laszy with my "fake it till you make it" confidence that I had in younger years and that I dont employ it nearly enough now. In the end it made me grateful to work with and be around young people, even if they did arrive in my world when "off the job", they are showing me much about me and much about staying open to others, whatever their age!

The beginning

I shan't be worrying about my spelling, grammar, punctuation or editing the words on these pages. This is a new beginning for sharing thoughts, ideas, observations and thoughts ...the ones usually retained for sharing with only a few close friends as they often do not befit the situation in time that they occurred. The "real" world and people would surely have thought they were random, provocative and at best just out of context? This is my true voice of reason, the idiosyncratic voice that acutally made sense to me of the most non sensical and sometimes quite challenging times in my life and those of others. The voice that I often kept hidden.

I hope to write retrospectively on many observationa and tales from moments gone by and use this space for current comment too. Liberated, humerous, eccentric and out of the ordinary observations on ordinary life that might just be extraordinary all of the time, if only we could see its many, many layers.......so I have begun...